Hope This Passes Soon................

Posted by: cheryl

A little back story......
In June 2017 my Dr and I decided it was time for me to taper off the antidepressant Lexapro that I had been on for the past 13 years.  The reason I was put on it was that  I was experiencing what the Dr thought was panic attacks.  Even tho taking the drug I still had one once in a while.  But in June 2015 when I was in the ER for what I thought was anxiety, the attendant looked at the monitor and casually said " oh, you have a-fib".....that was the first time i had ever heard of a-fib.  I then realized that I never had anxiety or panic attacks all those years.  I spent the past 3 years dealing with the a-fib and was finally starting to feel normal again but was still taking the Lexapro.  In June I tapered off the drug over a 4 week period, which the Dr suggested.  At the end of July 2017 -  2 weeks after taking my last dose of the drug I was in the hospital because of another a-fib attack.  They raised my heart medicine dosage.  While there,  for the first time I experienced what I know now to be brain zaps and neck tremors.  I told the nurses but they really didn't do anything.  These zaps continued for about a week, then stopped.  I noticed last summer that my vision was changing.  It was harder to focus at a distance.  I just assumed it was due to my age.  I noticed tinnitus coming and going.  I noticed I had brain fog where it was hard to really concentrate on anything.  This was not like me at all and I knew it, but I just attributed it to the higher dose of heart medication, plus the new one added.  Fast forward to February 2018 when one day the tinnitus started and it has not stopped since.  Then one night a month or so later as I was about to drift off to sleep, I felt a strange sensation in my head that jolted me to wake up and made me think : what in the world was that?  Around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays in 2017 I also experienced horrible insomnia. 
Well in June 2018 I started experiencing the brain zaps accompanied by lightheaded feelings or slight dizziness off an on several times a day, feelings of being off balance,  and this is still going on as of today August 14, 2018.  This is so frustrating.  Along with this comes bouts of crying, muscle twitching, it is horrible.
I have tried to tell my Dr that I believe I am experiencing a delayed withdrawal from the Lexapro but she just looked at me funny and said, "No you would have been over that in 2 weeks".......well everything I have read tells me  that I came off that drug way too fast.  For the length of time I was on it...it should have taken at least 2 years to come off it.   I am so angry right now, first because I never needed the drug to begin with because those were not anxiety attacks, they were a-fib episodes.  Second, the Dr did not have a clue as to how coming off this antidepressant so fast would affect me.
I have since learned thru reading a lot of information out there that I am 99.9% certain that what I have been and am experiencing now is due to antidepressant withdrawal.    Withdrawal is  real,  people!!  Do not take these drugs!!!
Now, here I am dealing with this every day.  It invades my life, my relationships, every thing about me.  Now ...................to the real story..................
On Thursday August 3, 2018 I decided to go to Sam's and get a few things plus pick up some things for the daughter and her family.  I went to her home,  put the stuff up and debated on whether to take the twins with me to my house to put my stuff up and come back or make room in her refrigerator.  I did the latter.  The boys were asking to come to my house and in the back of my mind I was working out a scenario where that might be possible.  I then took all of us out to eat, we came back and I was getting ready to go home.  The boys and I were at the table and they were asking to come home with me.  At first I said no, but they asked a few more times. Their mom perceived this as "whining"
 All their mom said at this point was that Nimaw had said "no".  She got up at some point to change the baby's diaper and then I grabbed Braedy's hands and said " You know boys, Nimaw has had to say no so many times the past 3 years....I am just going to change my mind and say yes today"  you should have seen the joy in their faces.  They asked their mom and  at some point mom said " I never said you couldn't go"....so I just assumed it was ok. so I said "ok boys let's get
 Nimaw's stuff and go.   Immediately their mom/my daughter gets up and starts talking about why they shouldn't get to go.  I just dropped my head, because ....remember all this stuff I have been dealing with the past year and the zaps get worse in stressful times......I was torn because although she led me and the boys to believe we were going, she starts saying why they shouldn't.  After a minute, I said "I'm sorry guys, but I have to do what mama wants".  They really really started crying at this time because all we knew was at first it was ok, now all of a sudden it was not ok.  The boys and I were confused.
The boys asked me why I said they couldn't go with me and then I said something that started a fury coming out of my daughter that frankly scared me and upset the boys.  Mind you I have been dealing with this brain fog, brain zaps etc.....I either said " it was mom's fault" or "mom was the reason" they could not go with me.... only meaning that they were going to have to take it up with their mom as to why they were not getting to go with Nimaw.  But she lit into me and would not give it up, even after I told her that I just could not do this right now and to please take it up later when I could think clearer.  But no.....she thinks that I intentionally demeaned and usurped her in front of her boys.  The boys beat me out to my truck, they were upset, but I told them that mama said no but also,  I could not leave them that upset.  I was trying to calm them down when mom came out.  They asked me again if they could go and i said " only if mama says you can"......she tried to engage in another argument accusing me of what she thinks I did, but i would not engage, i just repeated "only if mom says you can"  I did that one more time and she said ok.  She gave me a hug, the boys and I went to my house, they played for a few hours then Ritzy and I took them home.  I am "mom" and I can always tell when something is up.  When we got to the boys home, the daughter and son-in-law were acting strange , not much was said.  The boys took their showers, we kissed and hugged them by and I thought that was it.............. NOT!!!
The next day I gad an EEG early that morning (because of this brain stuff).  Ritzy came home and mowed the yard.  I sent the daughter a text asking if we could take boys out for supper and she said "Yeah"....then immediately sent a text informing me that she and the son in law need to have a "talk" with us.  I quickly found out this was far from over.  You will not believe the amount of and the length of texts she has sent to me...... She will not get over the fact that since I said what I said, no matter the reason, it was wrong and I was wrong to do it.  Needless to say, taking the boys out was no longer an option.   **as of today I have not seen or heard from my grand kids in 12 days**......I then get a text from the son in law the next day informing us that "visits with the kiddos would not be appropriate until this matter is discussed and we have met a common ground"  Also receiving a message telling me " i was absolutely insulting and distasteful suggesting the fact that it was not fair to use those precious grand kids as pawns"   and in same message he accused me of being "responsible for the complete and utter disrespect and undermining of his wife".....who is my daughter...by the way......... accusing me of things I would NEVER do!!!! Talk about getting the rug pulled put from under you!!!! All I could do at this point was cry...........  She refuses to look at the circumstances, the context, or anything else that had an influence on why I used  those words. Even tho I have apologized more than once for the way those words made her feel.  Had I intentionally said those words or meant them with malice, I would have to own my part in being wrong as she states and it would be all my fault.......But what she and the son in law are accusing me of  never entered my mind as i was saying those words.   She and the son in law thinks everything is always "black and white"  there are no gray areas.   Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of "black and white" areas in our lives, but there are also just as many gray areas also.   I have tried to tell her that we must always look at the context in which something is said, or we will misread people all the time.  Since I have been guilty of that very thing in the past, I can only pray that she realizes this.  Even in God's word, we have to look at the context in which it is written.  How do you think all these different religions got started?
Instead of looking at her part in this, (not saying no in the first place and then questioning my motive)  she thinks it is simple....what i said was outright wrong and what she, the mom, said was right, no matter the circumstances......I agree that what I said would be wrong if I had said it intentionally, out of anger, or with an ulterior motive.   But it just wasn't that way, because of the way I was feeling, those were the only words I could think of.....at first I told her that I could not discuss anything until my head cleared up for fear of saying the wrong thing the wrong way.  Last week I texted her and said go ahead with meeting, no matter what because not seeing grand kids is killing me.  I even told her that I would just agree with her just to get this over with, but in my heart I would be lying to her and myself by doing that.  She informed me that she did not want that..... So here it is almost 2 weeks later and Ritzy and I are still waiting on them to set up that meeting, which by the way ....the other grandparents do not seem to be held to.......and that hurts!!!  I even saw the twins  on Facebook with the other grandmother....talk about a low blow.
Ritzy and I have sacrificed our resources, our time, our lives a lot of the time when it was not convenient for us,  for these kids and grandkids to help out any way we can....the other grandparents come around when it is convenient for them......and we are questioned about our motives.   WOW!!!!
Ritzywife out................................................


Posted by: cheryl

Have you ever felt that way??  Well that's what I was thinking the other day.  Since after the first of June I have been getting little dizzy sensations in my head.  Went to the Dr and was told I had an excess amount of fluid on my ears.  I could have told Dr that cause I can feel it.  It has stopped some but not altogether.  It gets very frustrating, has led me to tears sometimes having to deal with it.  All the while having to deal with other frustrations that are going on.  Can't take the prescribed drugs for problem because of afib.   So I am just waiting it out.  Very frustrating and disappointing at the same time.  Hence the "MEH" feeling.
But at the same time, I love spending what time I can with those grandkids.  The newest one, Ayris is growing like a little weed.  The boys are so protective of her, it is so sweet to watch.  Braedy & Calvin spent the 3rd and 4th with us.  They didn't feel real good, and this week I have stayed home while they get better.  They told me this morning that they are finally feeling better.  It all started with little brother Dawson.....then of course the next week the big boys....I sure hope little sister doesn't get it.  They just have no appetite, comes with diarrhea, and a little puking....YUK....which the boys did at my house......but, like I said....thank goodness they are on the mend.
It is so hot now.....which is normal in Oklahoma at this time of year......that I can't go outside and enjoy my swing until late in the evening.   I told Ritzy the other night I was sick of this heat and would love to be where it didn't get over 82 degrees or under 50 degrees during the daytime....I think that would be about perfect.    Could have a year round garden which would be awesome!!!!
We are just starting to get tomatoes out of the garden.  They taste awesome.  I hope the weather cooperates and we can keep harvesting them til Fall.   I fried a pan of okra, tomatoes, potatoes, onion and bacon the other night.  That has to be my favorite summer meal.  Along with BLT's ,made with fresh tomatoes!
The only thing that is good about this summer weather  so far is there seems to be very few to no mosquitos around our house.  I really don't know why, but I sure am glad!!
I hope to go visit the grandkids tomorrow.....I have face timed them a couple of times this week, but it's not near as good as being there and getting and giving those hugs!
Ritzywife out..........................................................................

Obedience Tested

Posted by: cheryl

I was on Facebook this morning and ran across a friend's post.  It had this quote from Dr. David Jeremiah on his page:

This is so true.. It made me think back to a situation that was going on in my life a couple weeks ago. My previous post was about the arrival of that beautiful granddaughter.  Well the month  and especially the week leading up to her arrival were really stressful for me, Ni-maw/Ritzywife, as I will try to explain here.
Her Nana (son-in-law's) mother had scheduled a baby shower for May 5, 2018.  That was awesome.......... except for the fact it was going to be held at the Catoosa Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.   When I first heard it might be there, I had informed the daughter that her Granny and Aunts and even I would probably not attend due it it's location.  I was having a real problem with this........I would go back and forth in my head trying to justify going to a casino hotel.  Hey, this was my daughter's baby shower, after all......to saying to myself  - Ritzywife you know who you are and what you stand for....this is not a good idea and it is just wrong for you to be a part of it.  I had voiced concerns about the struggle to a couple friends at church and asked for their prayers about the situation.  Mainly for the daughter to understand that I had to stand up for what I believed, and that I could forgive myself for seemingly "deserting" my daughter.  You see the dilemna...
It had come down to a few days before the shower......I went to the daughter's house to talk to her about my concerns.  During the talk I was in tears because I was so upset and not wanting to hurt her in the process.....She tried to justify that the hotel was a different building.... but I told her that God sees them one and the same, and that's how I have to look at them.  I also tried to explain to her that situations like this are how we as Christians begin to lose our impact or voice in this fallen world......we slowly start to give in to seemingly harmless actions and before you know it.....we look no different from the world......which leaves me to wonder......what am I standing for and what am I standing against??  After talking, she and I came to a point where we respected each others opinion and we were "ok".

The other women, mother-in-law included, did not have a problem with the location because this is just part of their lifestyle......and these are all women who profess Christ in their lives.....makes you wonder........exactly my point to my daughter
i just cannot quite wrap my head around that way of thinking/living.....Gods word even says that it is not possible to profess Christ yet live like the world at the same time.........and all I am saying here is ----i know this would NOT be the right thing for me to do and that is all that matters!
Well, during our conversation that day Keri made the offhand remark that even she might not be able to attend her own shower because of the way she was feeling.  God was already at work!
Friday her dad and I went to help with last minute details and she was having contractions.  I told her to go to the er while we watched  Dawson and picked up the twins from school.  She returned home saying she was supposed to take it easy until Monday the 7th which was the scheduled c-section.
The shower was the next day at 2 p.m.
At 6 a.m. the next morning I received a text from her telling me she had not slept all night and was still contracting. I advised her to go to the er.  Well she left everyone at home and drove herself.   While at the er she was texting me that she was still going to the shower and I could not get an easy feeling about that at all.  I finally told her that I would take her because I did not feel comfortable about her condition and driving.   I had not slept good at all, either....spent the night praying about this situation, mama, and baby girl. 
Well, she calls and says Dr told her this baby girl was gonna make her appearance today May 5th ....the day of that shower that I was having this personal/spiritual crisis about. THANK YOU LORD!!!
The son and I arrive at the hospital at the same time that "dad" arrives.....He barely makes it because a couple minutes later little Ayris Anne Fuller was born.

 * Ritzy decides that morning to go into his office to get  some paperwork done.. I tell him before he leaves that it might not be a good idea because I have a feeling a baby is coming today, but he goes anyway.    I call him after she is born and he is actually surprised...........*

During all of this, in the back of my mind I was thinking about how God had taken care of this whole situation for me and Keri, that I had trusted Him for the outcome, although I had no idea how it would come about.  I personally feel that my obedience was being tested, and it was painful because I felt like I was letting my daughter down........but God.......the best ending to any of our situations in life ever!
Ritzywife out...........................................................................................

*I have thought about asking Keri this question  "Knowing me and what I believe.........Which would  have surprised you more.............. that I would go or that I would not go to that casino for your baby shower?"*


Love, Mom

Posted by: cheryl

Happy Mother's Day 2018!!
Being a mom is one of, if not the most rewarding/frustrating experiences you will ever have.  It is so rewarding in the fact that you see your kids grow and mature and become responsible adults with their own kids.  On the other hand it is frustrating in the fact that they sometimes don't want to listen to "Mom" and her experienced wisdom......the frustrating part is watching them go thru hard times either because of their own choosing or circumstances out of their control.
A Mother's love for her child is the strongest bond here on this Earth..  you don't believe me...just try messing with one of her kids....or grandkids....:-)
Either way I would not trade being a mom for anything in this world.
We have a new granddaughter...yippee....a girl, among all those boys.  She arrived last Saturday, May 5, 2018......and I might add...she is a beauty!  Her name is Ayris Anne Fuller.
Her big brothers adore her.  She is not going to have to worry about anything or anyone ever messing with her.. haha!
Here is a picture of the little doll:

 Told you she was beautiful.  This Nimaw is ready to love on and spoil her just like I have her brothers......
You can tell it is May in Oklahoma.....not by the trees and flowers blooming or
 turning green......but by all the itchy red eyes, sneezing,  and runny noses.......haha!
May and August are not the best months around these parts......but it is beautiful with all the trees leafed out and all the flowers blooming, gardens being planted, and the warm days.
It is about time to go to church.  Ritzy and I are going to church with the daughter and son-in-law this morning.  I hope everyone has a blessed day.
Ritzywife out................................................................................

r *m *i *e

Posted by: cheryl

Yeah, I know....it doesn’t make sense...but to a 6 year old Kindergartener it makes perfect sense.  We were outside with the boys yesterday when I told them I had some sidewalk chalk to “decorate” Nimaw’s sidewalk.  I watched as they created their art.  After finishing .... Calvin asked me what he drew-I guessed a “caterpillar”....which was wrong.....but I thought I saw a body and legs but it was red white and blue.  Well the “legs” were. Calvin’s name at the bottom....in my defense his letters were touching the picture and all I could see was the remaining part of the letters which looked like legs to me....haha!  He proceeded to tell me that he drew the ‘United States’ ..... I should have known since it was red white and blue...ha!  He then wrote another word beside his drawing and asked me to read it.  I looked at it and couldn’t figure it out so I asked Calvin what the word was and he said “Nimaw that is “army”........Good grief, I should have figured that one out.  He sounded it out
rm-ie....Well, there ya go ........ made perfect sense to him.
These boys are learning so much and it is amazing to watch the show!!!!  Later when P-pa and I took them home I was telling their mom about the incident and Calvin an I had a conversation about sometimes words are not spelled like they sound but that learning would come later.  Nimaw told them to keep up the learning and good work and that we were so proud of the young men they were maturing into....Grandkids are amazing!
Ritzywife out...................................


Posted by: cheryl

Thank goodness.   when we stop learning, we stop growing.   That's what this nimaw thinks anyways.
Yeah, it has been a long while.  I have been a little busy, a little lazy, just depends on the day.....
My ablation is going good.  Ritzy is doing good, the boys and school are doing great, and life is going on..
That granddaughter is coming in May and this Nimaw is so happy.  Everything is going as planned.  
This morning I was reading an article about placing kids in "timeout".  That was never an option when I was a child, because it was unheard of in the 60's.....if ya didn't listen, ya got a spanking and  that was that.  Next thing you know  my generation was raising their kids---if you spanked you risked getting a visit from child services.   We at our home still spanked, but no timeouts.  Now fast forward to our kids raising kids....Here come the timeouts.  They seldom work and everyone is miserable.  I have seen it with my own eyes.
When we expect a 5-6 year old to behave like a teen or adult....we are setting everyone up for failure.  They are behaving exactly as they should be......my daughter hates hearing me say  that.... and no it is not an excuse for their behavior.  It just puts in perspective the reasons they are doing what they do.
A lot of times kids get punishment or discipline ( and no they are NOT the same thing) because of lazy parents not wanting to invest the time and energy needed to raise wholesome mature adults in their kids.  Most of the time the kids ARE  acting their age.  It is us, the adults who are not acting our age....and that is a problem!!  It creates big problems down the road in the life of the child.   When the child misbehaves or disobeys, talk to them about it, ask why they did it and how they think they can avoid it happening again.   AND I MIGHT ADD -  I AM PREACHING TO MYSELF AS WELL!!!
I am guilty!!  This is one thing that becoming a grandparent does to/for you.  It shows the flaws in your own parenting skills and teaches you that kids are a lot smarter than you thought they were.
When we refuse to admit the fact that we could be doing something wrong or have the wrong mindset about a particular idea, we are in for trouble.   I have had to admit to my kids that I could have done things different, or I was wrong about certain ideas and yes even apologized!
It does not make you weak to admit you were wrong, it makes you human.  Only a weak person will never admit they might be wrong!!
Getting back to the "timeout's"......At a time when a child needs someone most  - they are being sent  to a corner, a room, a designated spot to be alone to try to figure out something  they have no way of comprehending......to think about what they should do or should have done to avoid the problem.  It doesn't matter how many times they have heard it......they are too young to understand and grasp!
Instead we should be talking to them, let them be frustrated, cry about it, get their feelings out, even talk to them about what their punishment should be.   A hug sure wouldn't hurt either..... 
YES - their feelings are just as real and valid  as ours!!! 
We have NO right to tell someone ---  "Well, just don't feel that way"
Our feelings are our feelings no matter what!!!
Let your kids express their frustrations, fears, and feelings....because if we don't , they get bottled up and they will come out -  someday somewhere....and it is so sad that this has to ever happen to anyone. 
 Do you want your children to feel like they can trust you and  come to you as they get older and in the frightening teenage years.....then, let them feel like they can come to you now, without your judgment!!!! 
I have heard from my own grandson -  " but mama doesn't know this or that or doesn't care about how I feel about this or that.....while nothing could be further from the truth, this is how he truly feels and his feelings are valid!!!  Taking the time to talk to this child about why he feels this way would prove to him that mama (or whoever) does care about how he feels.... but it's just easier for most parents/adults to pronounce and execute judgment!
Invest time, energy, and yes even money in your kids, people.... it is the most worthwhile and satisfying investment you will ever make!!!
And we better be asking ourselves - is this child being disciplined because of unruly behavior, outright disobedience, or simply because I was inconvenienced by their behavior.  It better NOT be the latter....because, if it is....shame on us!!!
Somewhere the cycle has to be broken or sadly it is going to continue!!
Will I be the one who breaks this nasty cycle??
Ritzywife out................................................................................................................. 

Where To Begin?!??

Posted by: cheryl

It has been a while, but life has been very busy.  On October 2,, 2017 I had my second ablation for afib.  So far it is relatively ok.   A week later I was in the hospital for  6 days because of a 178 heart rate that would not come down with meds.  I was finally electrically cardioverted.  Have had a couple short spells since.  That in itself is enough to disturb anyone's sanity.
Before I really get started tho, understand this fact:  I love my husband and family with every part of my being......but I am so frustrated with everyone and everything that I have not been able to get good rest and sometimes dread trying to fall asleep. 
It started with the ablation then on Thanksgiving I was feeling pretty good, we watched the boys while their parents went deer hunting.  I guess I took too much on at one time - because since then I have not slept well.  Also around that time I caught a cold from the youngest grandson.  It hung on for a couple weeks, then the son was sick with strep throat.  I barely felt good enough to take care of myself, but the added stress of having another person sick in the house sure didnt help.  He missed a week's work because of that.  He finally felt like going to work last Monday, but then on Wednesday morning he called before 8 a.m. and said he was in so much pain that he didn't know if he could make it home.  I was sitting in my truck waiting on him when he arrived.  A trip to the ER confirmed what we suspected -- a 4mm kidney stone.......On the way down there he puked in my truck 3 times.  In the room waiting on the DR he puked 3 more times because of the intense pain.  Well they gave him pain pills, antibiotics,anti-nausea meds and  relaxer for his stone problem and sent us home.   It is now Sunday- 5 days later and that stone still has not come out......plus it is causing him pain.  It is very stressful to watch your child in so much pain and discomfort and not be able to fix it.  Plus the fact that I am concerned about his missing 2 weeks work without pay and wondering how he will pay his bills.  Also I have to think about being to handle the stress that taking the son to the ER causes me right now and I do not need any added stress at this time.
Now to Ritzy---he has a very bad habit of not listening to me.  I ask him to stop at a certain place (mainly because I have done the research and know what I am talking about)  and he completely ignores my suggestion and does it his way and gets the wrong product.  FRUSTRATION!!!
Tonight I go into the kitchen and find a paper plate with a pickle and a fork on it laying on the counter.  Also the cereal bowl with dried milk and a spoon in it sitting on the cabinet also.   WHY!!
how hard is it to rinse out the bowl that was sitting by the sink, and throw away the paper plate???
Are you kidding me????
I am so tired of all the sick that has been in this house for the last 3 weeks......of people not taking me seriously........or helping out a little.......hear the frustration????
No wonder I have not been able to fall and stay asleep for the last month................
I thought if I just let it all out here maybe I could get a good night's rest which i so desperately need. 
The daughter is adding a little to it by questioning my intelligence about letting the boys drink after me.  She actually thinks I would let that happen knowing I am still recovering from that nasty cold.....REALLY????
It just keeps piling up..........I have not had the chance to see the boys because I have had to stay around the house in case the son needs help, which is where I need to be. 
I need for me to start feeling like ni-maw again, for the son to pass this kidney stone, for Ritzy to start listening to me, and the daughter to stop questioning my intelligence.  Whether that all happens, I have no idea.................but this one thing I do know is I am mom and I will do everything in my power with God's help and guidance to help my family.
Ritzywife out....................................................